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lies111
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Name: "B"
Country: United States
State: New York
Birthday: 11/1/1984
Gender: Male
Interests: sometimes in life you just have to say Fuck It!
Expertise: i am an expert at nothing.........
...........go figure............
Occupation: Retired
Industry: Construction
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
8/16/2003
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| Checkmate..........im done, I never see happiness I live in a dark world with dark surroundings the ups and downs rival a game of texas hold em. I miss smiling like a goofy moron.....simplicity complete and utter simplicity thats what im missing...either way I think ill drown myself in alcohol for awhile.....everyone says that nothing happens over night, that I must wait to see improvement I have been waiting all my life the days of sitting in the waiting room are over, if you like me or not I dont care anymore......im flatlining see you on the flip side...... | | |
| im not sure what i should be writing here today with so much that has been racing through my head, I have spent the last 11 hours running memories through my mind and all i can come up with is emotion of the moment i cant really remember any specifics just the joys the smiles, the anger and fighting the laughter. And i find myself needing a naration of my life a conclusion to a story not yet over a chapter unwritten, I cannot really explain this in a coherient manner in fact my mind is so jumbled that im surprised i have gotten this far....the point im trying to make is that for some reason i feel that im missing the best parts of my life because i have yet to attend it. I live in a bubble of questioning, if i do this will it do that, what if i went for that ride with them, why didnt i talk to her she seemed very nice a interesting, maybe i should have spoken up i might have had a better night.....I think about these things and then i ask myself why am i so afraid of the answers to those questions, I know im not afraid of the people or the problems that may come its a fear of attempt, the fear i may hurt someones feelings to get what i want, the fear to rock the boat....and at that point i can no longer answer myself, and now here i sit still striving to answer these questions and bring closure to my mind. My friends and I lost a friend yesterday, to be honest I had not spoke with him for quite a while and i had no interest to do so, he had moved on to other things and other people as have I, he was doing things i was not really interested in, and im sure the thoughts were mutual. Either way we you see someone that you have even a single memory with pass it hurts, and due to our young ages it makes it that much worse...im not one that shows physical emotion in the face of death, the reason im still not sure a chemical imbalence perhaps or maybe me being insaine just foils my mind that way. This is the third person i have seen pass at a young age and its always the same but for some reason this time it hits home a little harder then the other times. I have sat up all night trying to come up with a reason why that is, and even after all of this writing i have no answer so im again stuck with a mind full of questions and im dry on answers. I have realized that im wasting my life away by spending time asking stupid questions, but how do you define yourself with out questions.....ug here we go again, that was a sentence and im back on the questions. I guess everyone has a path and on that path they are pushed to make choices, some turn out good some turn out bad, my question is when am i going to start walking down the path because i believe im the only one not walking............. | | |
| one day goes by and ten years pass again
too many nightmares for me to admit
far from the saftey of your arms in my heart
I cry out for your touch and silence is my answer
crawling through the merky remains of my life
tired of my downfall I will rise again through the ranks
this battle was one of many I already have medals for
I call to you from my tower watching as I get no response
my heart is a ghost-town and the only way out is you
tear into me like you have never before
beat me, slap me, call me a whore
set me free, free from this place
this place in my heart is no longer alive
it no longer beats to the sounds of my soul
the music is on but nothing is played
you rode me hard but put me away cold
and now all I have is a call to the world
a pen filled with the souls of people like me
etching the names of the ones who ive hurt
waiting for the closure of this pain within
so watch as I die cold and alone
one day maybe you will be where ive been
what is left for you will be what is left of me
but I will have gone away from that place
far away from you
perhaps you will miss it from them what I have of you
(its pretty in-coherent but I needed to put somthing down)
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| Well yet another wonderfull, fun filled entry at which I conjure up an un-edited ramble on my life. Well its almost spring again which means rain, rain, and more rain, oh and allergies, Im ready with my tissues and my claritan! and I quote "sometimes you have to stop to smell the roses, then sneeze for a half hour and scratch your already bloodshot eyes and then you may continue your journey." So spring all I have to say to you is AHHH-CHU, well onto the other highlights of this world I call me, it seems finally i will be getting my new car, now the only thing is if i could actually decide what i want, and how much i want to spend, so for now i am as mindfully busy as an astro physisist on speed and an eightball of coke. Well actually im kinda spent.......i have nothing more to say, im currently drawing a blank and im typing about it, so thats cool....yeah im gonna stop now because its just weird. well to the 1 or 2 people who actually read this i hope all is well and perhaps we will hangout soon, and to anyone who may stumble upon this, im sorry it would be better for you mentally if you just clicked back and forgot you ever saw this. | | |
| Seriously im tired of the same old same old, all I want to do is enjoy my life, because that is all I have.....well that and a serious amount of bills......so seriously I dont think anyone reads this, but if they do im sure they hate me or have had some sort of twisted relation to me, weither it be a friend or a friends friend......I was kinda hoping things were going to look up, optimism apparently failed me again....what else is new.......the choice for me to leave the state and start over has been passed in front of me......my moral delema is that im not sure I want to leave....because if I leave I will bet I will miss another chance for me to redeem myself as far as im concerned.....if you dont know what im talking about I dont blame you.....Im looking to try and re-establish myself in the wonderful world of dating....problem, I have no self confidence and im not an ass with a silly haircut.......answer.....move away.....but that may not be the answer and trying to find a solution that contains this answer is like trying to turn water into wine......oh well there goes my mind....I wave goodbye and blow a kiss, this is a one way train there is no looking back, my bag is full of things i resent and I lug them on my back like a cancer, to hell with this world and all that it is, for it means nothing when reality catches up.....that is all for tonight or this morning, i never can tell these days.....time to go to the dream world where......funny saying this.......my dreams will come true.............. | | |
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